Back when I first arrived to Israel I published a post with the same title, so it seems only fitting that now, having returned to my first home, I do the same.
I've been at this home for slightly over 30 hours now and I'm not sure if it's jet lag or weird body rhythms that has me up at 6:30 in the morning. It should be noted that on my last day in Israel I also woke up earlier than necessary, so I'm not sure if this is entirely the fault of travel. Either way, I'm not quite as rested as I would have hoped and I'm still feeling the effects of not sleeping more than 30 minutes the day I traveled. I may be due for a nap today.
People ask me if I'm happy to be home and I respond that I'm happy to be with everyone again. But home? For five months my home was on the other side of the world. Is it weird to say I'm homesick?
Coming back into town, walking into my house, even seeing my family again, it was almost like I never left. Sure, the paint on the bathroom walls have changed since I left, there's a new rug in one room, new lawn chairs, and my dog is a bit scruffier than when I left, but nothing significant has changed. It's almost as if I put my real life on hold when I flew across the Atlantic in February and now that I'm back I can just start again right where I left off. No big deal, right?
Except it's not so simple. I'm restarting my "real" life with a new language on my tongue, new memories behind my eyes, and new experiences reverberating through my body. Everyone is more or less as I left them but I just got back from a life-changing experience. How do I just "start again" with all that in me? I want to tell everyone, to share my excitement, but without people near me who have had a similar experience I don't know exactly what to do with all the memories roiling around in my head. I never realized that returning to normal would be such a daunting endeavor.
What will I do without hearing at least four languages every day, or without speaking at least three? How will I feel when, because of social custom, I won't get a kiss on the cheek when I say hi to an old acquaintance? And then of course there are all the challenges associated with returning to a country where, as a Jew, I'm the minority, which never really bothered me before but there's something indescribably cool about saying "Shabbat Shalom" to the stranger who picks you up when you're hitchhiking on a Friday afternoon.
I will admit, though, I'm glad to be in my bedroom, in my house, in my town. I'm glad that I just answered the phone and the receptionist making the call was nice, courteous, and understandable. I love that it's a little cooler and I'm not suffering even without the air conditioner on. And, of course, I am immensely thrilled that yesterday I spent hours with some of my best friends, talking about boys and family and life and trying our hardest to make up for all the hugs we couldn't share for so long.
Homesick at home? An interesting predicament, but if I've learned anything in the last five months it's how to deal with interesting predicaments. Luckily, unlike in Israel, this time I'm surrounded by all the loved ones I missed so desperately.
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The Photos page has been updated with an album of pictures from my last few days in Israel. Enjoy!
You may be ambivalent, but we're glad you're home.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Mom
You mean "rolling around in my head." Roil is a transitive verb meaning "to stir up solids in a liquid" or, figuratively, "disturb." I suppose the memories rolling around in your head are roiling you!
ReplyDeleteJuly
Don't dismiss everyone else's experiences in almost half a year because they were not as dramatically different as your travels; life-changing experiences come in many forms. It's good that you feel you can catch up with your friends so you can move forward together again.
ReplyDeleteI've lived a lot of places, though without the extreme language and culture differences you've experienced, and yes, it is possible to be at home and homesick at the same time. Try to live into the joy of having two homes -- I hope you have more in the future.